Settling in

I realized today that my double consciousness has gone away. Without me even knowing it. I was turning the corner in the rain this morning, as usual at the very last minute, and the bus I catch for school was already pulling up to the curb. So I made a dash for it and hopped on just in time. The bus drivers here are not any more forgiving to the late mad-dashers than they are at home. I tottered in front of the bus and dug around in my loaded bag for my transit card, swiped it, and stumbled to the back past the morning school crowd as the bus lurched forward. Then it hit me. I just did all that without even thinking about it! The bus was there and I needed to catch it so I ran. I wasn't clutching my transit card for dear life like I normally do in preparation to load the bus, but I managed to get it out, swipe it, and proceed without a hitch. All the while, not even thinking about the fact that I'm a foreigner and I stand out like a sore thumb.

This may sound strange, but up until now I've done everything with a double consciousness- a voice in the back of my head that's constantly saying, "you're a foreigner." Going to the store, using the ATM, getting on the bus- whatever the task, my double consciousness hasn't let me forget that I'm a foreigner, I don't know Korean, and I could do something wrong and make a total fool of myself at any given moment. What if I don't understand how much this milk is that I want to buy? What if no one here buys milk and I look like a weirdo? I hope the ATM machine doesn't eat my card... then I'd really be in a bind. What if my bus card doesn't swipe properly. I'd better have cash in hand just in case. And on and on...

But today I started to feel like a normal, sane person again. I walked through the underground mall without wondering who was staring at me. I stopped to check out some shoes and even asked how much they were. I went to the bank to deposit some money and laughed at how worried I was before. And, I boarded the bus without worrying about looking like a fool. I'm starting to feel at home.